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the lake

for "me to go" was just unangenehmerweise, Massoud cancel for tango and instead now bike to coincide with Jürgen on the lake.
It feels strange and threatening and simultaneously sweet.
to this decision, it was milk coffee with sugar and cardamom and a chapter from the "return to the Hundertachzigmorgenwald.
morning I go to Sara and she said I would pay their hard when I Wallpaper look that is a paragon of bad taste. But they
shows me as a real Italian woman how to make a Schaumhäubchen of sugar for his coffee.
I have no gift for them but that's OK because that can wait.
I am grateful for the ease that we share and the endless Gegiggel our phone calls.
So, now at the lake!

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's she not my girlfriend

When I talked yesterday with Bushra, I became so few clear. She was three years ago with a woman, who still mourns after wildly even though the other has made after three months of closing.
Bushra has denied them for others (she's not my girlfriend) and she did not even hug as she lay in hospital.
She says it was their Muslim upbringing and she could not bear to stand by to be with a woman.
I wanted to know if it flap for the men and she said she could not even kissing. That would not work at all.
And with a woman she could not be together because she is too close and too deep. Apart from the obvious that most women are not so on it will be denied to the public.
So really about nothing, and I felt totally helpless when I heard this.

Today was incredibly nice and relaxed in the nursery, for which I am grateful. Fabian, Lena and I had great fun together.
For some reason I'm dead tired and I'm going to plant my new boxes, and then insert a Telefonierabend.

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Rheingau Music Festival

Next week we go to the Rheingau Festival and I'm already very happy.
Schuhmann, Lalo and Debussy.
I am grateful. And for the group in which I could be really furious today. In that Vincent does not understand that he can not angrapschen me constantly, if it is really the case. And he is often times thereafter. A good exercise. It is my old programming. I like him and I like to go drink something with him and dance with him. It really is creating in me, clarity, and if he does not then tightened to draw a line.
My problem is simply that I was not very convincing if I did not come across in touch with my rage am.
That's it.
Will now read bedtime Toon Tellegen my new children's books.
How wonderful.

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the spirit of freedom and dreamy

How funny that I did for my yesterday's dream during the day managed to get my training grant worth 500 €.
The clerk questioned me about my monthly income and was clearly shocked. She then looked at me sympathetically, has not even tried to remain neutral.
I was amused because I do not feel the lack. I always have enough. And I'm grateful for my first gained life.
I need neither a car nor a flat. I need a vacation in the Maldives and I do not need technical equipment that is up to each state.
for this sincere modesty, I am very grateful because it makes me free.
The meeting house in Niederkaufungen is run by a small group within the community, where sustainable living is extremely important. And Monika said it had already happened much before the throw something or buy new.
This finds expression in a facility that is imbued with the spirit of practicality and repeatedly repaired.
The furniture is also from granny and the bedding in all retro patterns. The radio in the bathroom that looks like an old people's receiver has an antenna wire from a clothes bar and the porcelain knob on the rope of the rainwater toilet is obviously broken once in a hundred pieces and was glued with love.
The house itself is an old half-timbered house, crooked and crooked and creaking musty smell.
For me this is the spirit of freedom.
The freedom of the thumb of consumerism.
same freedom I've seen in the garden in France. As there
the septic tank from the toilet clogged, we have not called about a company that would have pumped free anything. We have in a corner of the new arboretum dug a hole drumrum made mobile wood walls and that was the new toilet. In case of rain you could even hook up an umbrella.
And so we waited until the bacteria in the septic tank ACTING again with their work ...
arises What is a creative, an indulgent, an appreciative World without perfectionism and without sterility.
I just read about America TC Boyle and find it again and again the horror of plastic packaged, stinking rich, highly polished, brutal world that cuts itself from nature and from poverty, from the reality of exploitation.
A world in which all drive around in their Porsche Cayenne tanks and in an increasingly rapid downward movement of the increased comfort, pay homage to the unbridled consumption and the complete detachment of all sentient and living.
is in me an impulse to jump quickly to life with all the immaturity that I bring. As if I would understand, I can be so calm and allowed me to try anyway.
I also want a crooked little house and a garden full of weeds. Where hoglets schnupfeln in the bushes and puffing, breaks down the porch and hang around relaxed people in the area. Where fireflies flit through the twilight, it is very very quiet and someone in the kitchen baking cakes for all. So far I'm
, I need quite a lot of preparation but perhaps it is enough to just start.
In the picture: the invitation to Jürgens and my party. We have photographed giggling yesterday in the yard, because of better light conditions.

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What a wonderful rainy, cozy, day off! I realize that I try not need me to drive to anything because I'm so dreamy and relaxed, and wasted that I did not want to spoil this sacred state.
The week belongs to Niederkaufungen the most beautiful in my life, that's for sure.
I am grateful for so many that I can make a list:

-confidence in the group, it allows four of us has to speak honestly and above all about what happens to us is
- the touching, holding hands tangible link between us
- the constant encouragement to stand up for himself, "to go for themselves," as the latest trend CSF expression for is, 0)
- while the needs of others in sight
- the clarity that we could practice
- parental energy of Monika and Klaus Peter, touch my heart for making me so many make up for in experience can
- the immense empathy, understanding and acceptance
- the fun of singing, dancing and massaging Meditating and playing the group to cuddle puppies are
- that I understood how great and my unfulfilled need for depth and intensity
- the tears before the group
- the self-love that grows and grows
- the space for all the fears and concerns and to express convictions

Now I'm back here and have lots of plans. But today I need a lot of loitering and Gammeln and slowly making.
It was also exhausting.
And I dreamed that I missed my flight, which cost 500 € because I have calculated the time to just me and the car is driven off in his face.
The amazing thing was that I had dreamed of something for the first time without me to wind in a dream and paralyzed with fear to be like.
I was quite calm, I saw how close the doors, have felt that I hinrennen not fast enough. And it was ok. I've accepted it and me not even torn. I was sad and full of regret, but that is not toxic but pain sweet pain ...

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wasted lifeblood

I woke up very early so excited. After Niederkaufungen! Until Sunday! I will return to the top of relaxation and Wohligsein, this much is for sure.
Yesterday was the first meeting of the mediation group and I was rushed and worn on, I had the key and had to be on time.
pulsed And during the evening and yet another peace and goodwill as pure elixir of life through me. I was moved to tears several times (we gave Julia empathy, which had made a mistake at work and self-condemned for it and could not sleep and so).
And it's summer.
Sunday I was walking with Sara at the Jewish Museum and the Main. The rest of the day we spent in the cafe and talked about Liebighaus God and the world.
Julia called yesterday and I'm looking forward to soon to visit again. Then I will get to know Laura ...
I'm going to now approve a sumptuous breakfast and then pack.
All is well.

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learning is a process of change

Today I was at Christopher's defense. In the sweltering midday heat, he has somehow managed to concentrate and keep a really inspiring presentation.
I liked it as it penetrates his subject and exuded an infectious enthusiasm.
Jürgen says yes, his little weakness was his vanity, but can not do it all seem so modest as a Jürgen from a Swabian Rev. dynasty.
It is a two-edged sword with the charisma. And I almost think that the older we get, with the greater knowledge of human nature and the ability to grow, not too much blinded. At least I hope
this
When I watched Chris Sun as he sprayed with sparkling eyes and clever phrases to be tossed, mustered with the rolled r and an intonation as a hardened actor, I thought how bad what about other things.
a sentence he said I was a little bit around with me "learning is a process of change," the I found beautiful.

Last night I dreamed about Dina, our Siamese cat, which disappeared when I was 6 years old. In my dream, she meowed at the ceiling and then jumped on me about it. But I could not wake up and was heavy as lead. She licked even with its rough tongue on my leg!
It all looked absolutely real Then I woke up and began to cry. The way I would have liked with 6 wept for her, but could not because I was petrified and I've never been weeping.
Now, we already go again. Something like
convinced me that we save every little feeling displaced until it comes up after 24 years and we flooded.
She was pretty as a picture with her light blue eyes. Christin

I have written, which was very liberating. It is not how it responds important was that I could express my sorrow and my affection. They are my feelings.
The funeral had been building up again, now I feel lighter and much better.
I certainly hope that they did not delete the mail.
has perhaps contributed to break with the third set also included. The violin sounds just like Christine childlike joy, an incredibly impulsive, lively chase through the forest and over the meadows.

Massoud has called tomorrow but I can not go dancing with him because I met Anja. And the day I'm going to go hiking with Jürgen, Catherine, and two friends of them. We want runerschippern the Neckar river and then walk back to Heidelberg.
I'll probably get seasick and vomit in the flow.
Jürgen and I have just been prepared for the picnic, pretty elaborate finger food.
I was mad at him because I was dressed and he has a trail of destruction across down through the kitchen. And then I've forgiven him because he likes Tim Fischer that I'm hearing right now addicted and his effeminate over-excited species is brilliantly simple.
It's good for me so it's good.

I fill my life with acivity that good for me and in between I'll get my old feelings for me, and be myself more each day But it's also a lonely and arduous affair.
Anja writes from the clinic that she was so sad and disappointed. It thus also has it just been obtained.
But these feelings are not kill, they transform us.
Larissa told me that she needs it, weeding to three days a week alone with their customers weeds, cut 8 hours a day hedge and so so that they can be alone and get along with them. Then it goes
her like me.
And I believe that soon the time will come where I no longer need so much. But I'll always need.
The villains, the plants are wet, the sweat, the mud and the cold.
It's good. And I can
slowly thaw and let people pass through to me.
It happens anyway in its own speed, I can never force it. Confidence in the world is growing like a young tree.
And learning is a process of change. I'm tired and uninspired

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Bruch's Violin Concerto No. 1

. My fuchsias are received and the gnawing at my teachers honor.
I want to go dancing and no one has time.
Actually, I'm just whining.
Anja 's weekend, Anna is also there and Jürgen anyway. Monday is the first mediation meeting in the ESG and Tuesday I go to Niederkaufungen. I'd better remember me. In addition, the CSD weekend and maybe I will go there.
I found my heart breaking for first violin concerto and hear it up and down. Played by Janine Jansen, who makes this so wonderful that I get goose bumps. It is pretty wild and yet so cheerful and down to earth. I want to see the fall in Frankfurt, as it is artist in residence grad.
Ok, I am grateful that there is so much that inspires me and takes and holds. That I make plans and meet people. And first just especially for Bruch's Violin Concerto.
In my mind's eye I see something like this a Caucasian landscape, an impetuous, lonely landscape, which also has something lovely. When meditating, listening to classical music and sex, I see landscapes, clouds, sky, sometimes even colors or patterns. If the strings are very present, I see more sky, with many more wind forest. And the piano makes leap like a man. For violas and Oboe I think of genteel elderly ladies. For Clarinet I have no opinion. When I think of cello Christian, although I never played.
I've seen today at work constantly in my mind's eye, it was very strange. And although its course to the casual way she runs. It always looked as if the existence of their natural form and as they would never stop.
So it is indeed somehow.
And they play the lady of the sea in the Orangerie, this "moderate interest" piece, as it has sometimes called. Some of their formulations have inexplicably baked.
I'm ready bed, where I can still hear break until my eyes close.

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goodnight, sleep tight

I was with Hanna in the pit, again at the nudist beach, she had to pick me up by car and unload at the lake. After 2 days of eating nothing I was not fit enough for anything beyond.
I'm not gone down. But instead I almost had a heart attack than in the water a arms length, thick snake vorbeiwedelte. I thought, I do not see properly. After that, I'm obviously not gone into the water ...
The last time I have not seen this in Sweden, a floating line. There she was even bigger and scarier.
unfortunately today I have become aware of why I'm always so tense on lakes. Actually, I think so whatever, that I will be drawn every moment of some Loch Ness monster down.
due course, grandpa, we often went swimming together at the lake when I was little.
No wonder I still feel panic.
Well, now I can practice times yes, maybe it will eventually improve.
Or should I stay on the shore, the others go into the water to the water-snakes and monsters, if they find it so great.
As Hanna took me home, I was overcome with a deep sadness because she'll be back in early August. That seems eternal. And
Tänni is gone too. I see you before i go for a few days after Niederkaufungen.
My mother writes incredibly long mails and it is amazing that she admits, as she was unkind and even tells of her childhood.
That they been to a children's leisure and was crying all the other children with homesickness have not only them. And because the others were then taken by the caregivers on her lap and comforted, she has done so when she would cry to get out care.
has taken me to the heart of that story.
Good night, sleep tight.
We are all small, love-hungry girl.

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understanding and care

I feel better already, thank God. I have slept in the last days infinitely more and now I notice that my strength back and my bustling.
The neighbors still have their shutters down, like they do not realize that it is cloudy and cool down.
I've thought a lot about how painful it was as a child to be isolated and to get understanding from no man's soul and a lot of nurturing care.
And it is still the need for it, that haunts me. It's like a crater in me and it hurts.
It's not gone by that I now already thirty 'm and adult. It remains determined because it is a human need, which all have. Have quite strong.
And I begin to have self-understanding for me and even good-natured and friendly to me, as I am about a small child.
Rech's top finds the desire for biscuits embarrassed because he has learned that there is less frustration and rejection if I suppress my needs. He does continue, that's a good idea even though I now have very different ways and loving people around me, which I am happy to help.
And right at the top is suspicious and no one wants to ask for something that is something to be against him.
Sure, if I a thousand times a request was refused.
reminds me of C's dramatic image of the outstretched, ending arm, which she will eventually cut off. But just as it is.
Yesterday I was depressed and I realized that it is because their plan all summer and I have nothing planned for Niederkaufungen. Somehow I must have once decided that the rich must be in fun. Only five days training to be enough, soso.
And I realized that I so desire to relax and have fun and games and fun, goodness gracious.
So I decided to give me a little to organize a holiday and the festival visit or from others in the Rheingau. And then I lived on ...
The world is so enticing and exciting, I want to be part of it, especially a lot of music, nature and dancing.

When I think back, it hurts me as my family has always been unkind to one another and is.
I decided not to participate in the activity, but did not know how it is different. So I decided to make myself invisible, intangible and far away from everyone.
was able to hurt me so bad unkindness. And now come back and see that there are places full of love and caring that I carry with me in the ...
It is usually too much. I still carry around with me my glass panels, which separates me from everything.
But it gets better. I notice it in little moments when I long can people look into the eyes without me uncomfortable. Or because I am more relaxed in the presence of others.
Or the fact that Anja and I went over 2 years group are friends at last. We both wanted from the beginning, but thought the other it might not be right ...
I want to passionately work on my recovery, every day. And I'm grateful that it works and that I feel myself again. My life is a garden that was once devastated but rather now the sun is shining and I am there and take care of everything. Now I'm grown up and knows how I treat the plants they need water, sun and fertilizer, pruning and rest breaks. It is quite clear.
And I give them what they need. Then it is inevitable that they grow and prosper.

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sick in bed

Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it. I'm discouraged and I lack any confidence. For a few days at the top right is again so strong I remember correctly, he takes me under fire.
And promptly I'll get sick.
Yesterday morning it started and then increases in the total rigor mortis. I was only in bed lie not kept with me and twisted me into convulsions.
gastrointestinal finest.
was the night it further and now it's a step forward that I can stand a few minutes in the perpendicular without bending me.
Brigitte've had a mild version in the last days, I naturally infected.
I'm angry because I had so many plans for my long weekend, instead I rot in my room.
could howl with rage and disappointment. The worst thing is that I am so very alone and abandoned when I feel so helpless. If I needed someone I bought the biscuit (Jürgen has forgotten it, and is now on its way towards the Black Forest) and comforts me and is just there.
If I'm healthy, I can push away those feelings and needs, then there is not a thing.
Then I'm glad the contrary, to have my peace and to make what I want.

When I wonder if I'll make it, I mean, do it, turn to my twisted world right and make it free from so many restrictions that I create myself.
Whether I can get me some time to feel comfortable in my body sometimes and not afraid of intimacy have to. Or not to have to control everything. How are indeed different?
I know that I can feel connected to others and that only the detached protector is fired up when I feel lonely and separated.
What is it? The detached protector mode is the most subtle and I have spent years in it. But he is also healthier as a compensating or endurance. Great.
Even though I no longer so hot dissociate feel separated me is still very strong, somatization is also very strong. It helps

me sometimes, so to take stock. Then I see clearly the progress, or at least I will be causalities.
So that I get sick when law is strong at the top or if I'm not clear with the feelings with Hanna.
It has become blatant, every 2 weeks since I'm sick, so sick that I must stay in bed days.
And then I can avoid at least not so sprawling and throw me into the life and distract me from my miserable feelings. But the Erkennntnisse seep into peu à peu me and hurt.
This is probably necessary for change.
And my poor baby needs still very much care and love. I just have to learn, even to be good to me. I would like to
rumtelefonieren someone brings biscuits, even if right place at the top of the totally embarrassing. Yesterday

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the comforting language of the world

the staff meal I felt through and through: I am now in the third year in the nursery, this is a novelty, or I do not think it through as long somewhere.
And the bond that I feel to the other, even more strangely, to Brigitte, who wore a ruffled shirt and eight sided flowers to red lipstick is very strong.
She is a mother figure to become their unshakable, snotty strength and their never-ending interest in people, their customers. I share this interest in the clinic and I know exactly who is who.
Yesterday was access to the nearby with his hands and I was almost too much. Because I could stand for something not good, though I will indeed just that
So I am grateful for these changes toward greater closeness and stability, even if the often tedious and annoying.

I am very uncomfortable felt for some time. I look back and see very much that I deeply regret.
I'm writing hardly at Julia, and no longer by my beloved Roland, with Nina or Jenny. Louder People that I dismiss out of my life because I have guilt and shame, in which I run away, rather than apart, me to take heart and:
cherish the precious relationships in my life and maintain my efforts to Hen and as a viable network of stable fellow Rotarians.
Especially with Julia, I find it terribly difficult, right at the top says that they are very good on a stupid cow like me can do without, then he begins to devalue
etc. Then there is only one battlefield and I turn away and will have nothing to do with it.
And I just want some kind Julia's view hear laughter and see their behavior, which is never malicious, but always good natured.
And as I'm concerned they can keep an impromptu lecture me about football and work out their gambling debts, no matter.
And I want them to even get to know Laura, even if I should be ashamed in the land, after all, they know all the nasty details of how I made inglorious end and Julia had cheated ..
Surely it can not be that the shame me so bending it to be bigger than my friendship and that they controlled me. I need
Empathy for the needs that I have tried to meet me at the time.
autonomy, vitality, deep connection, contact with my sleeping life, sexual expression.
It's okay. And really bad seal and I do it but only when I tell Julia now a second time and am hiding from it.
back I would. Alone.

I am missing somewhere to be out and sleep on a summer night in a meadow.
Thomas Merton wrote:

"The night was very dark. The rain surrounded the whole cabin with its enormous virginal myth, a whole world of Mystery, full of rumors. Imagine this: All this talk down passes, sold nothing, no one judged soaked, the big pile of dead leaves, soaking the trees, filling the gullies and crannies of the wood with water , wash the areas where the men have cleared the hill.
what a state is completely alone to sit in the woods, at night, nourished by this wonderful, unintelligible, perfectly innocent talk, the comforting language in the world of entertainment that the rain oneself ... "

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tension and over compensating

Today is a wonderful series of free evening to watching and reading. I am also planning the summer tour. Herrlich.
In my dream last night I'm in the shape of a little boy and his little sister broke into a nearly inaccessible bunker. We had huge scary deep black canyons between high walls and crawling through narrow overcome vault.
in the heart of the bunker: a kind of looked martial arts studio that was renovated not quite finished, behind the wall lining out old tiles. The style was broadly in a painting by C.
many triangles in any case. The walls match
distanced my protector, I make sure that no one comes too near to me and that I feel my feelings are not as strong. Dizziness and abdominal pain are also included, ie somatization, like all prevention strategies, such as constantly be on the move, a lot of work to occupy myself with food and stuff.
in the heart of the whole, then the martial arts studio, which is then over-compensate, I subil operated so that my therapist noticed it only after 6 weeks and has completely rebuilt my scheme.
I do if I myself and others controlling, manipulative and do the opposite of what I want. If I wear and hysterical good on it , Though I am loud and annoying and cynical. It is a way to feel power and control, though I'm miles away from the feelings, small and alone.
C. It has always been the "stage I" called. And she has sometimes felt much faster than my therapist.
Well, that's right.
A glaring dream.
In art therapy, I once painted a picture of a robot, who was on one side and nothing but flowers blooming on the other, all withered.
If I can be compensated, I everything into its opposite.
I often have made me much pink, but then again people demonized katastrophisiert or circumstances.
It is this shrill undertone that makes me remember now if I over-compensating.
Other images in art therapy, expressive of that for me, were in horrible neon colors with red and black. Eye cancer risk, the therapist is escalopes shrunk properly.
Another symbol that appeared again and again: a great eye. I thought as a child, I observed a large eye in the sky all the time and it was important that I never forget and never let me go.
that I always keep control of myself.
There was no confidence me and no drops.
Now I know that yes, and may try to practice.
was why it is also a step forward that I slept through Saturday and until I woke up when I had already had to be in the nursery.
Brigitte on the phone: "voice of the hooves. I have first made an espresso.
progress.
It is this kind of relaxation that breathes as Julia from every pore. And I laboriously created from nothing.
from a sea of tension. For
tension comes when I rid my feelings by over compensating. Or endurance or avoid, are the three coping mechanisms.

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Mild

a long day. Larissa has bad ashamed. I wanted to speak first on Thursday and then I have to Vincent's lesson thought to be at the mercy and the protection that is to the other person does not like to run and to task. And
to CSF, which states that it depends on the connection. So I thought, I just let them and greet them kindly. And then they came and asked me whether they should bring water and then she told me I should let the casting time and stress I am not (!) And we have our little stories told and there was a connection there.
It was clear that she was mega embarrassing and if I had addressed it, they'd be right back "forced" to have been too hard to make.
But it was ok because I'm not bent, I was compensated for all the time and in good spirits and I just looked to see what happens. And the big difference was that I always used to feel uncomfortable and afraid of their Maßregelei've had in me now and rest, and good-doing my thing. And when they come to me stupid, I tell her this and then I'll just soft again and I'm nice to her because it is not my way, to punish people. Who punished punished himself

Just got back from Eberstadt where I was eating with Anna and her husband. I will miss them so. And Chris knows all the books I've read before, and we have a lot of conversation.
Vincent called me on the phone at times to say hello and we talked for 5 minutes and I think he did not understand the half. Very refreshing.
I am grateful that I'm in the flow and I'm grateful that I hold no longer as in Hanna and C, not even to Femke. All people who remove themselves from me.
writes But my mother alerted she was worried because I have so long to write. (A few days). It's good but it does not do as good as it had done that when I was small and the largest and most important thing in the world to me.
I would again meditate more.