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A small cut is dancing

How is it that a small cut can give the impression of one's life for at least a day to save?
It is dry up only a small cut, a small cracks and tears, yet to the artificial smile is much lighter, even one and voila: you can make jokes.

But at what price?

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The most beautiful among the beautiful

Of all my lovers death is my favorite.
He's a great flirt. You do not have much to talk to him ... one takes a fancy with him. He sneaks around you touch a cat without you ever really. Yes, he would touch you, then this would be sweet little affair to me nothing you nothing over.
He gives one the feeling of safety at all times. His embrace is the output. He is not the you can have without him suddenly to lose because:
The death takes the whole life and ceases to be, when it occurs.

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take it or leave

The cat dozing on the sofa in front of him and I finally find the time to write again.
I've been using this week took time off from university. Throughout the snow chaos I would have more than 2 hours before driving off. But I have neither the time nor the strength.
I have still so much to do.
really pleased me was really looking to spend Christmas with the family ... the other stressing me of winter.
It's amazing, the greater my desire is to take, the more I am forced to eat. I had put some. But I can not stop it.
It's like my body to remember the era of permanent shortage, and I force myself to eat like a hibernating a decent layer of fat. I just need to thin Women think and move inside me directly a few gingerbread. It is terrible. It pulls at me. And if then come comments like "Are you sure you want to eat this cake? Your ass is even fatter? "Then I could cry like a lock dog.
What should I do about it only? I was currently just happy to keep my weight and not more to eat.
I must now continue working on the present for my Ma.
Beautiful winter time to all out there

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The Devil

I'm listening rather lively Hungarian music and I feel as if the Dancing devil in me.
The devil has long, thin legs, which he elegantly swirled through the air in his acrobatic dance.
He looks like a woman with flowing hair and wild eyes shining. With a boisterous laugh, he throws the head back, the emaciated hips swing on which rest the matchstick thin arms.
Lasziv, alive, wild and full of life.

a fire burning in me that wants to be this woman, this devil. Our own best friend!
But the fire may still burn so hot it burns to water. Quiet, quiet water. Reasonable, low water. Far too good-natured Water. The water is so deep that I wonder if the flame ever be able to penetrate so deep.

fire and water do not have it before. And that makes me curse an unbalanced man.
I can neither hot nor cold, nothing left to right. I am suspended between two poles, like a fly in a spider web. I fidgety. And fidgety. And fidgety. And come, but not let go.

And the devil, the beautiful, dancing and laughs.

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Sara's ex

I will get to know Sarah's ex on the weekend at a party. Sara gave me a lot about her and tells little good. I realize that I tend to Sara's estimates assume a one to one and to make strong judgments about Sylvia.
particularly the prospect that Sylvia now and then comments Drain Sara performs very offensive and just way and that she was often aggressive and angry, makes me afraid.

Wolfsschow:

Oh God, this'll be fun. This woman is an animal, they will crush you, can intervene before Sara.
This is also embarrassing when you depend on Sara, because you you can not even fight back.
The evening will be a fiasco because you will isolate you, cool and aloof and arrogant and you'll get bored while you are trying keep away from Sylvia. There is
be really weird to see how familiar the two are aware, perhaps more familiar than you thought.
Actually, you wonder if Sara really belongs to you, whether she lives in another world and you can never take on another planet. Maybe this is all an illusion and yet in reality there is no connection between you. The
'll see you then, because the relationship between her and Sylvia was not only saulang but also with living together and creates something just facts and content.
While you are indeed only a butterfly that flies through Sara's life and never will stop somewhere and duration.
a season love, as always. And this is connectionless
you then again demonstrated when the two eyes only to tease and annoy. For what teases himself, loves himself.
are perhaps the two closer destructive at this level, which is probably not as bad as you with Sara on the new way
Maybe Sara will notice that all of this was nothing for them, if they rumeiern me then looks, while Sylvia can at least hand out properly.
It is also much strength.

feeling
fearful, tense, sad

need:

connection, protection, integrity, security, continuity, stability

most importantly, stability and connection

I need so much security, is that I feel a strong connection and I stretch out comfortably in it as in a warm, bright room.
This connection to myself and to my closest caregivers.
I need the confidence that this connection is always there, sometimes just for me but that I could not feel when I realize the (stress, uncertainty, etc) can do something to restore the connection.
I know I have the skills now, to do that.

Please contact me:

I ask when I see that increase tension and uncertainty because I lost the connection to me or Sarah, watch the short and then become active.
I do not need to endure, but may I ask for Sara or something that makes the connection again.
Let me show it.
I do not stand above all, but must show that I care to be in contact and connection.
I can this vulnerability that is to show.

short form, specifically

If my anticipation rises on Saturday, I ask myself why, to register that I connect to my needs and then formulate a request.

strategies for Saturday for more details:

could be requests to Sara:
Sara, I need a degree of proximity, you can hug me again?
or take her hand or eye contact as a strategy looking
or replace short whisper to how we feel, maybe Go to the hallway or the kitchen to talk to each other briefly

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societys_doll @ 2010-10-29T19: 16:00

I sometimes wonder what has brought the eating disorders in our world.

Was it the fashion gurus?
Somehow I think not.

Is it society?
Sort of, yes. I think it is because you must live pretty long in passing. In the past we simply did what the parents have made. Sure, that was pretty shit. As a woman you have left only the kitchen and as a man you may have to do things that you do not want, BUT you have a clear direction in life. The

we have not any more. We have too many opportunities and we have a dominant so good that we satisfy the huge, enormous, all-consuming to meet customer requirements.

How should this be done? Where there's one person?

And what do you do? It will be depressed, self-destructive ... looks for an absurd goal, which brings a little more. It helps to flee an only.

it we ourselves?
At first glance, seems to be clearly said no: Yes.
But is this really so? We do not decide for or against us really, just as hardly a decision for or against homosexuality.
Are we perhaps missing mentally impaired products, not tough enough? On the other hand, we create things that no one else is doing. We have energy. It flows just in the wrong direction. How far we have
influence and intellect?

I'm really not sure what it is. As also raises the question: Is that important?
you sit in hell and burn. Done.

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societys_doll @ 2010-10-27T14: 39:00

"How are you?"

What can we really answer this question if you do not know?
If you do not even know if it is a good or bad. If you do not know how to stand for anything, especially themselves.
If you think on the one hand, go to a (relatively) good and you know deep down in that the not true ...
"It is I," Man is the alter ego of those who speak never of itself.

On the surface my life runs so very well. But why do I so often do not rejoice? Why is enough for me not what I have?

"I'm fine, thanks" ... whatever.

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forgiveness light

observation: My mother writes me that they will have no more fear of my mails.
And that it would be so nice but if I do not see only the bad and you could forgive, as she has forgiven her mother.

feeling angry, grudging, concerned, frightened

Wolf Show: Oh God, now she comes to the tour and makes me feel guilty, suddenly I'm sorry, that's probably crazy world!
shit, I do not want them afraid of my mails, I am not so better than them. How come I can not manage it, to write so that they can hear it. And I
have already given me so much trouble and she does not see that.
On the other hand is not at all! She wants to contact, then they just listen to my truth.
I will not just give in to the willing love peace so as to Grandma, I do not think she has forgiven her everything.
She has the full blame film, actually, too deal but I want her to come down there so she can listen to me and does not constantly rotate around their own perception. The total
annoying and I will not be the cause that she feels guilty.
I want everything nice with her remains, which belongs to her. No more mixing.

needs:
definition, clarity (what belongs to whom) to be heard

Please
Mama, I've read your mail and want to make sure that I what I will answer it, will say that you can hear it. For that I need first time and I will answer you immediately. Is that ok for you?

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Björn, the Egyptians and atheist

There are so many situations that may overwhelm me and which I think only in hindsight a different reaction ...



Björn sits with his Egyptian caftan, which he brought back from holiday at the table next to me and looks at me with wide eyes as I start from a biblical story to tell.
He asks me: "You're not religious"
In response to my statement that I believe the Bible to be a great source of inspiration, where they designed and our time is interpreted, he jumps, has a bright red head and says:
"I am of the view that religion evokes only wars and that religious instruction be banned should, because that is brainwashed helpless, manipulated children. I do not believe in all these old wives' tales from the Bible. "
My empathy tests were not entirely successful.
I have seen that this issue has evoked strong feelings of anger, irritation and disgust.
I think the intensity of his reaction made me so scared that I could not engage in it.
So, even empathy:
I was shocked and surprised when I saw his reaction because I had really needed more openness and acceptance in this moment, for what I had to say.
My request to me, is the next time to express it.

empathy for him?

Bjorn, you're just worried that I may have beliefs with which you disagree and are you afraid that I will tell you what because you like to impose your self-determination is very important is?
I also hear that you're worried about the choice of school children who can not choose whether they go to the religion classes or not and then possibly not be in a position to what they learn there, something to counter because they are so young.
Have you been observed that certain religious groups appear very violent and write to the violence of the nature of religion?
If you Peace and Nonviolence important and are you concerned that because religion plays a counterproductive role?

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societys_doll @ 2010-10-07T11: 13:00

Animals clear structures are the most important. You need a hierarchy and so even the last animal to pick on the all so happy as if it does not know where his place is.

why I seriously wonder why universities can not be expressed more clearly. It would be very helpful if we were to get the necessary information not only at the last minute.

I am stressed because I absolutely can not plan my life properly. I do not know when I have time for my second job, or when I find out in the university should be and whether the courses overlap.

I am happy if even the dust. If that's going for as long as I'm suffocating.

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"you are ... blablabla .."

Observed

my mother writes me: Anna, you're a strong woman with a soft component and that's a good thing.


feelings:

I'm confused, irritated and outraged

needs:

mindfulness, distance, respect, want to be seen


Please

Mama, if you write something, I am outraged and annoyed because I really want to meet each other with care and respect and that includes me, to write-ups, whether negative or to waive positive.
Is it ok for you to try in the future, not me "you're" sending messages anymore?

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societys_doll @ 2010-10-02T11: 27:00

Sometimes when I walk through the streets of the city, I get the people on the pale and lifeless. When she would not account for more than the daily grind they pursue whatever reason.

Then I ask myself whether perhaps I am just ... My condition changes constantly between phases where I am after all the tricks of destroying itself and phases in which awakened in me the rebel who can not put up and again turns to his life.

In this rebellious, Phase ... I sometimes come from lifeless, as if the depression eats me. It is paradox: on the one hand, I always wanted to belong on the other hand, it seemed to me to be always zuwieder normal. Again and again I jumped rapidly between two poles back and forth and felt so rarely recovered.

What do you have to be satisfied?

This lifeless forms that I encounter will probably meet all celebrate. I myself and many others get drunk sometimes (often or always) to forget something.
Is it with these figures as well? and drinking parties to the doctor so they can get, so to not think about their everyday life are slaves?

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"Live the Moment" The Immortality of the existence

Can you really live for the moment?

I do not believe. Everything we do is in the past. The presence has not even a millisecond. They always crumbled like sand and bubbles through the fingers. It gives me a headache.

The future is like a shadow ... kan you hardly see them and touch not only right. Sometimes I'm not even sure that they are a major influence, because the chance is the component X, we will never be able to control.

The past is the only thing that is tangible, but they also escapes through the small back door in our memory to make room for other things. A childhood recollection gives way to a soulless mathematical formula that will help one in the future ... also seems to me absurd.

What is the meaning of life? In a book also mentions: "Everything what is left when you subtract the senseless. "

Well ... what remains? Mere instincts. the act of mating, eat until you are satisfied or beyond?

Why does the man take the trouble to think about this crap? How do I make myself the trouble? It is a frustrating and fruitless endeavor.

We are just simply there, and I fear nothing more behind it.

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Man is only a tiny, little star in a huge, huge universe, He is only a small segment of a giant organism, before it has the all seen so much and even though he had long crumble into dust and nothing is more reminiscent of him will follow him so much.

only a short time is allotted to each individual. And yet each man while he lives immortal "Everyone is young, healthy, the heart of life is hardly wasted one moment of his own death to think. He may not at all.
any moment could end his life. An accident. Only a car that you have overlooked. A descending falling object, a careless step ... and it's over.
If you think about it, it seems as if life is nothing but a black tunnel, the light at the end also means that their existence disappears.
So thinks the man is not it. He lives and strives in the belief that he and his deeds are immortal, there already are.
We tear the life from us, we breathe in every moment and can not and will not imagine that this play, the farce ever end.
Our entire culture would not exist without this basic principle. And we forget that our buildings crumble to rubble and ashes that the grass will grow over again, that are moldy our works of art and knowledge is useless in our books when we are just gone.

Only the ones with the Unausweichlichkeit ihres Todes konfrontiert werden, Kranke und Alte, begreifen, dass sie eben doch weichen müssen. Und dann flüchtet sich fast jeder, der nicht ein fanatischer Atheist ist in die süße Vorstellung, dass sein Geist woanders weiterleben wird.

Der Mensch fühlt und sieht sich als Unsterblich. Vielleicht sieht er deshalb nicht, wie er sich selbst die Luft nimmt, die er atmet. Vielleicht sieht er deshalb nicht wie er das Wasser verdreckt, das er trinkt.
Vielleicht registirert er deshalb nicht, dass er die Wesen foltert, die er beschützen sollte.
In seiner Überzeugung von der eigenen Überlegenheit und Unsterblichkeit He digs his own grave, in which he will be forever. He will not get up. Place it will make for a new world.
And yet ... I also have no concept of death. From the die, yes. But not by death. From nothing. What is it? Nothing ...

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belief labor of love and self-development

My wish / my vision is to really engage in a relationship to allow closeness and feelings. Specifically, my goal
that I want to try that with Sara and find solutions with it so limited potential for our meetings and all the driving around. My inner voices
say:

- it will be the same again with Julia, you have to give up a lot to view it and you will out of sheer frustration at some point separate
-there is only either love and or autonomy and self-development
- you have to give up yourself to get the love that you need
- you must not disappoint them and say no
- you have to restrict yourself and just accept
- you have your boundaries go, to get enough love
- you will eventually completely much anger in you have and then make final
- you will be curtailed and limited, you will put the air we breathe
- Love is like a too narrow space with a low ceiling and too little light
- Love is like a river every moment of your house being flooded with high water and pulls you away
- Love is like the loops of the blue rain that you can strangle everything and no place else for


my old belief :
order to get love denying I have my limits and my self-development.

Reality Check:

No, the belief is no longer true. As a child, for me it was necessary for survival, to get love, warmth and care. And for that, just to deny my true feelings and needs and my limits, put away.
Now I'm grown up and can take care of all my needs, I am no longer dependent on the love of certain people.

fulfilled needs / celebration and appreciation:

I have it enabled me as a child to make the experience of love, as I have borne incursions and so was, as My family wanted me to be.
Anders would not have been possible in my family, love, and to get respect and attention.
I am even thankful that I'm so worried for me and got the bare minimum of warmth and affection without which every child is crazy.

unmet needs / mourning / regret:

My needs to be like I am, after being accepted with all that is there were, with the belief certainly not met.
I could not feel my limits and certainly do not claim. My self-perception and my integrity, my self-development and vitality were all my unmet needs.
It makes me sad and anxious when I look at the lead before his eyes.
have in relations with J. and C. I have acted entirely in accordance with this belief.
What then had to remain unfulfilled, my need for a connection that is so authentic and vivid that it can be very much be there, a compound that welcomes my self-development and respect my limits.

new creed: My

Love relationship and my self-development may grow equally full of serenity.

Please

I am asking myself about this new set of beliefs continues to illuminate and more specifically in the form of CSF diary that I need for my future certification.

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Jesus will not save you

me about this, every time the cold horror, when I say "Jesus saves " one of those - see label.

I imagine how the religious spirit always poor squatting in the shit and pray that their savior might save them.

This will never happen and if so, then it is out completely own power. It is in a self-Every person "of his own fortune" and of course its own God .

I see nothing wrong in it, if you believe in something that gives you power when you believe something that drives one to charity.

Just ... do not be benevolent or effort because it wants not because it must for fear of the eternal torments of hell?

All human potential is suppressed. Yes, even human nature itself. We are ashamed of things that are course.

alone all the deadly sins (anger, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, intemperance, sluggishness) are normal things.

What is wrong with ambition? What is wrong with justifiable pride to ? What is wrong with anger when he born of the force was to defend themselves? What is wrong with other things to covet, if there is one to incite something with his life begin? What is wrong to be lazy sometimes, when you need it? What is wrong with eating when you are hungry or enjoy delicious things to nibble again?

Even if the church loses more and more fans have these fears pushed much too much in our culture.

I me ashamed to eat, because I happen undisciplined, I have to show my other fear, rage, sometimes even eating away at me almost, sometimes I am ashamed of my sexuality due.

Jesus has made me sick. I will no longer turn the other cheek. I want to enjoy life. Here and now. For any shit to get to hell unless you pay the church according .

And how many victims the church has not already claimed? As it is still the same: "Inquisition, the Crusades, witch burnings. We know how to party. Your church "

Still, who wants to believe believe to. To whom it gives power, fine, not my problem.

What is my problem, however, the unpleasant habit of Christianity is me not to leave them alone and to evangelize the time. One would find its way home.

I have my whole life trying to find my way, was even once so desperate that I tried it with Jesus. Well, we were not on a long shaft.

And if he now before my door would be then I would cut him a cedar slatted front of the bulb and take in the horned. For I will not be lied to.

(It is far from me with this text deliberately hurting religious feelings, but that is what it is my opinion and you will have to accept everyone just as I accept his, even though / is not imposed.)

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the best party ever

What a party. There were 40-50 people there, it was a lot of dancing tango and my people and I have offered a little dance routine to electric Tango.
I had made the Voschlag, Sun grandma sayings on scraps of paper, write down suitable to our age, and hang on the wall. It started
with "It's always time for a good drop," about "the big bird cut off the road," through to "If you have no idea, just keep face".
latter came from Christian, Anya's man came in and said, "Hello Anna. Did you drink? "
Anja took the full embarrassing but actually we have just laughed the whole evening.
The whole women's group was there and I was richly rewarded.
I felt like walking on clouds. And Sarah looked like the Queen of Sheba, and offered Vincent, who tried to tow Tänni, stand up properly.
When she wanted to come in the door and he not only opened it and then asked, "What they want, they choked him clean:" I have here a place to sleep. "
I thought I'm in a soap.
Jürgen came off completely on the dance floor, Christoph "tie legs" with Catherine danced and it looked like Tango. With me he has a salsa dance blend and complained that I wanted to permanently seize the reins to me.
Sara and I were like in the good old days the dance floor dancing with all the blues and Massoud Tango.
Anna and Kevin were not in a bad mood, Andrea had pink Tip on, Jana was afraid to go alone to the car, Nora and Jonny have settled next to the domestic buffet, Gaby has a broken heart crying in my arms, Veronica had her new lover while, Christina wanted to serious talks FS lead, Anna and Sara were playing with balloons, Matt was silent and tired of arguing with his girl, Tänni had its peer group here that have dumped properly what Christian has made the cut off spells out together and have We vollgepinnt a whole wall. Even in the refrigerator depends on what Goethe.
Veronika pinned me on the bed, "Be Lord your will and your conscience servant. "I think she's paranoid and thinks, I drive two lines or so. She also had something to Vincent, as she told Sara unasked. Because Vincent has an Italian father and dark as he is, Sara recalled her father, before he had no cuts.
Then there have been all the people of Jürgen, it was spoken Persian, and Sara and I hung next to giggling Jürgens bed "There's always time for a good fuck"
The next day we wanted to Just sleep only. But it was already noon: Anna, you come to Griesheim afternoon with the tango, Then, you come to Frankfurt in the evening with the dancing, then Tänni, which reported that Vincent had tried to kiss her.
Jürgen was gone with Catherine in her flat, at times with his visit overseas prefer to have breakfast in a cheerful atmosphere, while we had to cope with the Siff and plastic cups. Then Kim came
crying to me and opened for breakfast, that'll take them off and that next month. I thought I did not hear correctly.
you have so homesick and she wanted to cancel the study. Maybe make
I frequently so parties, it was cathartic. Anyway, it was
the best party I ever had. With glow sticks in balloons glowed in the dark like stars in a strange sky. At half past four were Jürgen, Catherine, Sara and I devoutly in the hall and jumped up, nudge the balloon.

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Schultüte the second

It's like the first day of elementary school. Or rather like the two weeks before the start of primary school. With one small difference: you already know that the world is cruel.

I have now written his own at a university and I am incredibly excited about my baseline. What kind of people sit in my classes? How will I cope with them? Will meet my performance?

one hand I am very excited and bursting with curiosity and on the other hand, I fail miserably so scared.

I really wonder what my second cornet shall hold in store for me. A fresh start or back to the same miserable rut, the struggle for existence, as he was before?

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terrible idea

Would you want to live forever? Does your answer change Depending on whether or not im everyone else gets to live forever as well?

Submitted By skittles2skelly

View 1539 Answers

I could never understand why people have cherished this desire.
A normal life is difficult enough. The idea of being able to walk never, never find peace because we witness more and more everything is must terrible.

The world we live in is not a bed of roses. Wars. Famines. Destroying the environment. Cruelty. My generation is living in an age in which we are about these things only on television . Hear We are lucky. But peace is not self-evident. Each time can change everything again. Policy is often not only a dirty but also a very unstable business.
Who would have experience of thousands of war, because he lives forever?

eternal youth seems tempting. But actually I'm looking forward to when I am old only once, because I can then pass all this perfection pressure on the ass. I am wrinkled and have age spots and gray hair shake ternes. And that's good. Then I no longer have this miserable pressure. Then I go every Sunday to eat a piece of cream cake.

The point is that all die, you love falls away when the possibility exists that all live forever.
But who, then, that live on cruel dictators? Sure, I would like to know that I could keep my mother with me forever is not that the woman who gave me life itself must die.
But death is part of life. It is what it is and that's a good thing.

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Sisyphus and his mountain

Last night I wrote the following lines:

You asked me why I cried in the night.

I told you how I dreamed I died.

You nodded and had no clue,

That I cried 'cause my dream was not true!

Why do I always fall so fast? Just when I n come a long way on the mountain top bi and believe that everything is fine, something happens that pulls me down so much that I would just like to cease to exist.

Then I like to sleep. I lie in bed and imagine what it would be to sleep forever .

But I wake up again. Every damn day. Because I still think that one day it will be better when I work because I work on it must .

whenever I flirt with the gossip, but I do not think I could lay hands on me. I can not imagine me . I can find some comfort in it.

But it really do? It's a film stays in my head, my little morbid retreat.

I am condemned to live to someone or something stops it for me.

I am Sisyphus who was cursed to forever having to roll the stone up a hill and then watch as the crap rolls down again.

I keep on me rappel and work and work and then - bang, everything goes back to Bach downhill.

But I have to get the stone back up. I can not help it. This is my punishment even if I do not know why.

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guest Lord be

I am still busy for hours, creating playlists for the party. I can do it with growing enthusiasm.
Yesterday I was after dancing so excited that I could not sleep for ever. Lis asked me if I fall in with her new beginners course "guest Lord" want to be and betanze the ladies.
That's great for me because it means I can finally get out and pay for nothing. So I can then continue to make the normal teaching and learning a lot Tango Nuevo as a woman.
I'm totally excited because our Party draws closer, Sara's party on the weekend and I just do not know where to go with all my childish anticipation, 0)
It is beautiful and also very frightening to out and allow the sow to celebrate.
woman Stropek Bürki and would be very proud of me. "They do live like a normal young woman. "
Anja is finally back. Has anyone out schonmal
Sara said to me, you're so sexy?
Not that I know of. And it echoes in my head and makes me smile. Yesterday morning I had breakfast

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Philosophy of happiness in the suicide forest

Humanity seems to me often, like a stupid child that start with a holey nets a butterfly and would leap on his fruitless hunting over gaps, overcome traps Solving puzzles ... and the end notes that it has become old and still holds only the holey nets in hand, but not the butterfly.

Then he thinks back on his journey and he falls on to what it's all over run: the land of plenty, the beautiful corners of Wonderland, a great love. All this has not seen the child on his pilgrimage to happiness. It dies slowly and alone as an old man.

We all chase the great paradigm of happiness behind. We think we have a clear idea of what we seek. And therefore missed we are lucky even if it escapes a whole garden fence and so awkward stormed into our house.

I do not know how much I've already missed on my crazy journey to the perfect figure - my butterfly which does not exist and I would never give ultimately the fulfillment that I seek.

On the contrary, it often takes me like a little wisp in areas in which I never wanted to go. The suicide forest inhabited by those who have realized that they can not catch their butterfly. They have thrown down the net and stay there, be a slow with the dead wood that surrounds them. And they complain.
Every time I ran like crazy.
course again towards the butterfly.

Slowly I am learning to put the blinders that let me see only the grim forest green and without life or the little lying bastard of a butterfly.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the wonderland. I make detours. Stay times are and look at something.

The butterfly itself is unfortunately still there. He seems to always wait to get back to me in my eye and lure.
I follow him still. Only slower and with more caution. And with Gefplge, with small Camping stops along the way, give me at least sometimes feel that I can go back without the floor breaks away beneath my feet.

Perhaps one day, to my present and my restlessness ends.

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I want a single child be

did with Jurgen and Catherine, and we have shown us the latest youtubes. Julia has sent me the link for the Auschwitz dance video in which a survivor is dancing with his grandchildren against the backdrop of various concentration camps to "I Will Survive" by Gaynor.
I've seen the crying and I started as a palace dog. And so
stained I am then to the Nuevo Tango Workshop, where I could fall in Massoud's arms, Michael suddenly appeared and all my lovely girls surrounded me to chat with me.
Lis brought a blast after the other and we laughed and danced for three hours in the tropical heat, with creaky wooden floor. After that, I've
Massoud spontaneously taken home to eat and we have improvised with what Jürgen. It was so nice and relaxed. We also plotted the same plans for the evening and decided to go to Frankfurt in the Academia, as if we had not danced enough. There we were
first ones on the dance floor and The last is a clock in the morning. Makes 6 hours by dancing and the result was that we were giggling in the car and heard deafening Cuban salsa. Even Massoud classical selection was so whip that you could dance to salsa.
His parents are from Iran and Dubai and they went to Germany so her sons can doctorates. Massoud came with 5 in the school. At 28 he finished his doctorate and working with Bosch.
He is so controlled and polite, neat and smells never to male sweat that I thought he must be gay. Maybe he is too but he would even never the idea. Before he married his brother, a woman from Iran who has no problem with the fact that he is horny and never at home career.
But the nights dancing and he is never tired ...
For me it is the ideal accompaniment.
He is reserved and has full control.
We talked about secret rebellion and her long hair in the bazaar of Dubai.

This morning I was swollen and heavy legs at breakfast, accompanied by short-Jürgen, who once wanted to check how I shall pass.
I read a column in Kim's Neon, in which the author received a readers Communication by Bianca.
Bianca complains that the author had always been "outsiders even" thoughts. However, they should be simply to get drunk, and dance doll times a night with a sharp Catholic. Sara
I wrote that I had received an omen. I had to come to their shared party next week ...
Sara's degree in Hanover with a friend who has a lizard in your room. Sarah's homesickness was thus probably increased. Now they will probably still go back to their Andi, who has so annoyed.
The two have the same family ties as Jürgen and I, that is totally beautiful to see.
only know they have been fewer than 10 years and have previously schonmal lived together before Sara has moved in with her ill-fated last girlfriend.

My dizziness is gone and I know that my anger in recent days is an old anger, which may come out at last and only because their targets are men love when I can afford it, wü tend to be.
was however exceeded my limit and I do not have words. I want to get serious.
Probably my dizziness comes back, if I continue in Alice Miller's books read.
dreamed of taking a shower with mom and me longing to press them and say: ". Mom, I would rather be an only child"
The jealousy of my little sister to me as I have child must not allow. At the birth of Eve, I am become seriously ill and had whooping cough.
My mother, a pediatric nurse, has obviously taken good care of me ...
Sara told me that she did as a child as if she were asleep on the sofa so that her father up with the bed.
They are typical children Strategies to get a little love.
And now, as adults, we can ask for what we need and we choose the people who are willing to contribute to meet our needs.
dancing meets my need for closeness and physical contact, without that there must be sexual. This is so wonderful. I could press to Massoud, as my mom in a dream and was the only one for hours, the only child, 0)
This is wonderful wonderful wonderful.

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wanker and rivets

I feel dizzy as my best time last year. Which is interrupted from time to time by howl that brings me back to me.
Yesterday group and I was crying over the other because of my grandma. Because of this feeling of love for her is so strong and because it still must remain ambivalent.
My other grandmother, the grandmother will die soon Bussi Bär, as Valles grandma dying. All these could
feelings are too strong than that I just have not filtered. Sara's mother
will not live to the end of the year probably.
And like Moby says:
... we exist and we strive and we love and we cry and we laugh and we run around and we sleep and we build things and we have sex and then we die and, not to sound too depressing , the world is wiped clean of our biological presence ...

I am connected with so many people at the moment. It is sometimes overwhelming. I did not realize that it will work.
I did not realize that the condition for this is that I show me and make me vulnerable.
It happened to me nothing, I will only transparent and lovable to others.
Well, sometimes I get like this but also dizzy.
But even more, when I realize in hindsight that I am the last guy at Tango but not "so nice", but that I actually thought: "you wanker, stop me to abbern and pack your greasy charm one. I feel sick.
No, I will not a neck massage and I will not go drink with you, fuck off I sleep
only with women.
And if you were the last man on earth, you have no chance with me, so picture you of anything, and you save your energy. "
me it has been done, as Sara at the fair from this drunken, disgusting Nils has been excavated and has dismissed the so-as I always do the usual. In the end he allowed himself to seriously pick up his girlfriend. What a dud.
you told me that once someone has touched her ex and she is badly shot up and to type on it, until he lay on the floor.
Somehow I can just totally good . Understand
And once a teacher has asked her: Ms. Pierri just because impregnates a woman with the tongue?
I thought, I can now hear no more of this story knitting.
Putain de merde.

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My big 5 of the 7

Superbia (Pride )

How could I imagine myself that I am about the whole thing away? How could I look down on others,
where I am myself only a small heap of tears quivering misery?

Ira (anger)

When will the moment he grabs me and overwhelmed? He kept coming over me and wants to destroy even more throw broken. When it was not enough. But he did not go out. It burns, burns, smolder, waiting.

Gula (gluttony)

I can not stop eating. I hate my body, but eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. Without hunger, without measure. Without control.
Well salted with tears.

Invidia (envy)

How often I see a beautiful woman and I hate it almost sure that it is so slim? It throws me back, it makes me mad, mad. I am burning with jealousy.

acedia (sloth)

I get angry, complain, and nothing can change. I get meinen Arsch nicht hoch und meine Beschwerden ziehen ins Leere, besiegt von meiner Faulheit.

Die 7 Todsünden sorgen nicht dafür, dass man in der Hölle landet, sie sind die Hölle.

 

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freedom and grief

I am thankful for my energy that I can fly through the day. And the openness with which I can reach out to people whose major concern is just their front yard.
And I am glad that I really try to make myself vulnerable and that I try to give up control. And endure all those feelings of excitement and fear and joy, are really in me. And the sorrow that simply is not indispensable.
Hanna and I have seen again the day before yesterday and I felt that something has released in me. There is a greater freedom, greater distance, mixed with sorrow and a premonition of a new connection. I got in a lot of empathy ... Niederkaufungen
Tonight is the concert!

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not write up from - and learn to speak tender words

LOL.
ROFL.
HDL.
LG.
BF.BFF.
ILY.
VLLT.
EIG.

OMG.
WTF.
B-DAY.


Jaaaaaaaa, das ist die grausame Realität des Internets in der heutigen Zeit. Eigentlich der Schreibkultur überhaupt. SMS sind teuer, beim chatten geht es schneller... and if you write something by hand, it is sure to be something that is so boring and uninteresting that it's not worth it completely tender.
punctuation is overrated as well as right-upper and lower case completely.
course so everyone understands.
And if you're at it could be every second or spoken (or) written word of English.

I like English. I am also sure not to complicate things unnecessarily, and to take a long time.
But my dear people:
language is being used here and that goes only so many right when they fully exploits instead of mutilating them.
What moving words were because of your abbreviations?
What books or poems that have touched the world consisted of a weird mix of abbreviations and-mixed languages? Multicultural
to be is so fine, but do not overdo it since.

And another thing: exclamation points are not herd animals! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I understand that you subconsciously urge builds up times to use punctuation when they are otherwise completely ignored ...
but that is no reason to let go like a whole alien invasion on the reader .... or a special emergency escape me? (???)

I like to read good books. I am also sure that one should express certain things simple. I do not like it when people want to contribute intellectually by disgorge a foreign word at a time from the Untiefenn their vocabulary ...
... but neither it pleases me witness the increasing dumbing down and loss of human articulation to be.

In this sense BB,

or good German:
you soon and good
N8. I must say

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The halls of laughter

, yesterday I had a nice day.
I once again laughed a lot, what is not so common. I forgot just way around me and just enjoyed being with friends.
I flew on a cloud carelessness.
Today is the life back to normal. Reltaiv gray. I think. Not determined. Good? Bad? Okay? Who cares?
But the memory shines like a jewel ...
... I will keep this close to my heart.

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a function for our hallway

What a weekend. I'm getting an idea of what it means to really "go for me, as I have unusual ideas that cover my needs better.
After Geradel to the lake (where I Jürgen Children's stories read aloud), I was really tired, too tired for Frankfurt. But still in the mood for dancing. Massoud and so came here and we drank martini olive shoveled into us in two hours and danced tango in our hallway. Jurgen sat like a chaperon in his room with the door open and looked back and reverent.
We had candles and at some point I have also taught the Salsa basic steps.
felt the next morning at my legs like an afterthought.
Sara, which is actually as Cesaria in Che Guesaria had a horrible wallpaper that we duly found repulsive.
I had to take a taxi home. But I am young and can endure the sleep deficit.

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the lake

for "me to go" was just unangenehmerweise, Massoud cancel for tango and instead now bike to coincide with Jürgen on the lake.
It feels strange and threatening and simultaneously sweet.
to this decision, it was milk coffee with sugar and cardamom and a chapter from the "return to the Hundertachzigmorgenwald.
morning I go to Sara and she said I would pay their hard when I Wallpaper look that is a paragon of bad taste. But they
shows me as a real Italian woman how to make a Schaumhäubchen of sugar for his coffee.
I have no gift for them but that's OK because that can wait.
I am grateful for the ease that we share and the endless Gegiggel our phone calls.
So, now at the lake!

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's she not my girlfriend

When I talked yesterday with Bushra, I became so few clear. She was three years ago with a woman, who still mourns after wildly even though the other has made after three months of closing.
Bushra has denied them for others (she's not my girlfriend) and she did not even hug as she lay in hospital.
She says it was their Muslim upbringing and she could not bear to stand by to be with a woman.
I wanted to know if it flap for the men and she said she could not even kissing. That would not work at all.
And with a woman she could not be together because she is too close and too deep. Apart from the obvious that most women are not so on it will be denied to the public.
So really about nothing, and I felt totally helpless when I heard this.

Today was incredibly nice and relaxed in the nursery, for which I am grateful. Fabian, Lena and I had great fun together.
For some reason I'm dead tired and I'm going to plant my new boxes, and then insert a Telefonierabend.

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Rheingau Music Festival

Next week we go to the Rheingau Festival and I'm already very happy.
Schuhmann, Lalo and Debussy.
I am grateful. And for the group in which I could be really furious today. In that Vincent does not understand that he can not angrapschen me constantly, if it is really the case. And he is often times thereafter. A good exercise. It is my old programming. I like him and I like to go drink something with him and dance with him. It really is creating in me, clarity, and if he does not then tightened to draw a line.
My problem is simply that I was not very convincing if I did not come across in touch with my rage am.
That's it.
Will now read bedtime Toon Tellegen my new children's books.
How wonderful.

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the spirit of freedom and dreamy

How funny that I did for my yesterday's dream during the day managed to get my training grant worth 500 €.
The clerk questioned me about my monthly income and was clearly shocked. She then looked at me sympathetically, has not even tried to remain neutral.
I was amused because I do not feel the lack. I always have enough. And I'm grateful for my first gained life.
I need neither a car nor a flat. I need a vacation in the Maldives and I do not need technical equipment that is up to each state.
for this sincere modesty, I am very grateful because it makes me free.
The meeting house in Niederkaufungen is run by a small group within the community, where sustainable living is extremely important. And Monika said it had already happened much before the throw something or buy new.
This finds expression in a facility that is imbued with the spirit of practicality and repeatedly repaired.
The furniture is also from granny and the bedding in all retro patterns. The radio in the bathroom that looks like an old people's receiver has an antenna wire from a clothes bar and the porcelain knob on the rope of the rainwater toilet is obviously broken once in a hundred pieces and was glued with love.
The house itself is an old half-timbered house, crooked and crooked and creaking musty smell.
For me this is the spirit of freedom.
The freedom of the thumb of consumerism.
same freedom I've seen in the garden in France. As there
the septic tank from the toilet clogged, we have not called about a company that would have pumped free anything. We have in a corner of the new arboretum dug a hole drumrum made mobile wood walls and that was the new toilet. In case of rain you could even hook up an umbrella.
And so we waited until the bacteria in the septic tank ACTING again with their work ...
arises What is a creative, an indulgent, an appreciative World without perfectionism and without sterility.
I just read about America TC Boyle and find it again and again the horror of plastic packaged, stinking rich, highly polished, brutal world that cuts itself from nature and from poverty, from the reality of exploitation.
A world in which all drive around in their Porsche Cayenne tanks and in an increasingly rapid downward movement of the increased comfort, pay homage to the unbridled consumption and the complete detachment of all sentient and living.
is in me an impulse to jump quickly to life with all the immaturity that I bring. As if I would understand, I can be so calm and allowed me to try anyway.
I also want a crooked little house and a garden full of weeds. Where hoglets schnupfeln in the bushes and puffing, breaks down the porch and hang around relaxed people in the area. Where fireflies flit through the twilight, it is very very quiet and someone in the kitchen baking cakes for all. So far I'm
, I need quite a lot of preparation but perhaps it is enough to just start.
In the picture: the invitation to Jürgens and my party. We have photographed giggling yesterday in the yard, because of better light conditions.

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What a wonderful rainy, cozy, day off! I realize that I try not need me to drive to anything because I'm so dreamy and relaxed, and wasted that I did not want to spoil this sacred state.
The week belongs to Niederkaufungen the most beautiful in my life, that's for sure.
I am grateful for so many that I can make a list:

-confidence in the group, it allows four of us has to speak honestly and above all about what happens to us is
- the touching, holding hands tangible link between us
- the constant encouragement to stand up for himself, "to go for themselves," as the latest trend CSF expression for is, 0)
- while the needs of others in sight
- the clarity that we could practice
- parental energy of Monika and Klaus Peter, touch my heart for making me so many make up for in experience can
- the immense empathy, understanding and acceptance
- the fun of singing, dancing and massaging Meditating and playing the group to cuddle puppies are
- that I understood how great and my unfulfilled need for depth and intensity
- the tears before the group
- the self-love that grows and grows
- the space for all the fears and concerns and to express convictions

Now I'm back here and have lots of plans. But today I need a lot of loitering and Gammeln and slowly making.
It was also exhausting.
And I dreamed that I missed my flight, which cost 500 € because I have calculated the time to just me and the car is driven off in his face.
The amazing thing was that I had dreamed of something for the first time without me to wind in a dream and paralyzed with fear to be like.
I was quite calm, I saw how close the doors, have felt that I hinrennen not fast enough. And it was ok. I've accepted it and me not even torn. I was sad and full of regret, but that is not toxic but pain sweet pain ...

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wasted lifeblood

I woke up very early so excited. After Niederkaufungen! Until Sunday! I will return to the top of relaxation and Wohligsein, this much is for sure.
Yesterday was the first meeting of the mediation group and I was rushed and worn on, I had the key and had to be on time.
pulsed And during the evening and yet another peace and goodwill as pure elixir of life through me. I was moved to tears several times (we gave Julia empathy, which had made a mistake at work and self-condemned for it and could not sleep and so).
And it's summer.
Sunday I was walking with Sara at the Jewish Museum and the Main. The rest of the day we spent in the cafe and talked about Liebighaus God and the world.
Julia called yesterday and I'm looking forward to soon to visit again. Then I will get to know Laura ...
I'm going to now approve a sumptuous breakfast and then pack.
All is well.

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learning is a process of change

Today I was at Christopher's defense. In the sweltering midday heat, he has somehow managed to concentrate and keep a really inspiring presentation.
I liked it as it penetrates his subject and exuded an infectious enthusiasm.
Jürgen says yes, his little weakness was his vanity, but can not do it all seem so modest as a Jürgen from a Swabian Rev. dynasty.
It is a two-edged sword with the charisma. And I almost think that the older we get, with the greater knowledge of human nature and the ability to grow, not too much blinded. At least I hope
this
When I watched Chris Sun as he sprayed with sparkling eyes and clever phrases to be tossed, mustered with the rolled r and an intonation as a hardened actor, I thought how bad what about other things.
a sentence he said I was a little bit around with me "learning is a process of change," the I found beautiful.

Last night I dreamed about Dina, our Siamese cat, which disappeared when I was 6 years old. In my dream, she meowed at the ceiling and then jumped on me about it. But I could not wake up and was heavy as lead. She licked even with its rough tongue on my leg!
It all looked absolutely real Then I woke up and began to cry. The way I would have liked with 6 wept for her, but could not because I was petrified and I've never been weeping.
Now, we already go again. Something like
convinced me that we save every little feeling displaced until it comes up after 24 years and we flooded.
She was pretty as a picture with her light blue eyes. Christin

I have written, which was very liberating. It is not how it responds important was that I could express my sorrow and my affection. They are my feelings.
The funeral had been building up again, now I feel lighter and much better.
I certainly hope that they did not delete the mail.
has perhaps contributed to break with the third set also included. The violin sounds just like Christine childlike joy, an incredibly impulsive, lively chase through the forest and over the meadows.

Massoud has called tomorrow but I can not go dancing with him because I met Anja. And the day I'm going to go hiking with Jürgen, Catherine, and two friends of them. We want runerschippern the Neckar river and then walk back to Heidelberg.
I'll probably get seasick and vomit in the flow.
Jürgen and I have just been prepared for the picnic, pretty elaborate finger food.
I was mad at him because I was dressed and he has a trail of destruction across down through the kitchen. And then I've forgiven him because he likes Tim Fischer that I'm hearing right now addicted and his effeminate over-excited species is brilliantly simple.
It's good for me so it's good.

I fill my life with acivity that good for me and in between I'll get my old feelings for me, and be myself more each day But it's also a lonely and arduous affair.
Anja writes from the clinic that she was so sad and disappointed. It thus also has it just been obtained.
But these feelings are not kill, they transform us.
Larissa told me that she needs it, weeding to three days a week alone with their customers weeds, cut 8 hours a day hedge and so so that they can be alone and get along with them. Then it goes
her like me.
And I believe that soon the time will come where I no longer need so much. But I'll always need.
The villains, the plants are wet, the sweat, the mud and the cold.
It's good. And I can
slowly thaw and let people pass through to me.
It happens anyway in its own speed, I can never force it. Confidence in the world is growing like a young tree.
And learning is a process of change. I'm tired and uninspired

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Bruch's Violin Concerto No. 1

. My fuchsias are received and the gnawing at my teachers honor.
I want to go dancing and no one has time.
Actually, I'm just whining.
Anja 's weekend, Anna is also there and Jürgen anyway. Monday is the first mediation meeting in the ESG and Tuesday I go to Niederkaufungen. I'd better remember me. In addition, the CSD weekend and maybe I will go there.
I found my heart breaking for first violin concerto and hear it up and down. Played by Janine Jansen, who makes this so wonderful that I get goose bumps. It is pretty wild and yet so cheerful and down to earth. I want to see the fall in Frankfurt, as it is artist in residence grad.
Ok, I am grateful that there is so much that inspires me and takes and holds. That I make plans and meet people. And first just especially for Bruch's Violin Concerto.
In my mind's eye I see something like this a Caucasian landscape, an impetuous, lonely landscape, which also has something lovely. When meditating, listening to classical music and sex, I see landscapes, clouds, sky, sometimes even colors or patterns. If the strings are very present, I see more sky, with many more wind forest. And the piano makes leap like a man. For violas and Oboe I think of genteel elderly ladies. For Clarinet I have no opinion. When I think of cello Christian, although I never played.
I've seen today at work constantly in my mind's eye, it was very strange. And although its course to the casual way she runs. It always looked as if the existence of their natural form and as they would never stop.
So it is indeed somehow.
And they play the lady of the sea in the Orangerie, this "moderate interest" piece, as it has sometimes called. Some of their formulations have inexplicably baked.
I'm ready bed, where I can still hear break until my eyes close.

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goodnight, sleep tight

I was with Hanna in the pit, again at the nudist beach, she had to pick me up by car and unload at the lake. After 2 days of eating nothing I was not fit enough for anything beyond.
I'm not gone down. But instead I almost had a heart attack than in the water a arms length, thick snake vorbeiwedelte. I thought, I do not see properly. After that, I'm obviously not gone into the water ...
The last time I have not seen this in Sweden, a floating line. There she was even bigger and scarier.
unfortunately today I have become aware of why I'm always so tense on lakes. Actually, I think so whatever, that I will be drawn every moment of some Loch Ness monster down.
due course, grandpa, we often went swimming together at the lake when I was little.
No wonder I still feel panic.
Well, now I can practice times yes, maybe it will eventually improve.
Or should I stay on the shore, the others go into the water to the water-snakes and monsters, if they find it so great.
As Hanna took me home, I was overcome with a deep sadness because she'll be back in early August. That seems eternal. And
Tänni is gone too. I see you before i go for a few days after Niederkaufungen.
My mother writes incredibly long mails and it is amazing that she admits, as she was unkind and even tells of her childhood.
That they been to a children's leisure and was crying all the other children with homesickness have not only them. And because the others were then taken by the caregivers on her lap and comforted, she has done so when she would cry to get out care.
has taken me to the heart of that story.
Good night, sleep tight.
We are all small, love-hungry girl.

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understanding and care

I feel better already, thank God. I have slept in the last days infinitely more and now I notice that my strength back and my bustling.
The neighbors still have their shutters down, like they do not realize that it is cloudy and cool down.
I've thought a lot about how painful it was as a child to be isolated and to get understanding from no man's soul and a lot of nurturing care.
And it is still the need for it, that haunts me. It's like a crater in me and it hurts.
It's not gone by that I now already thirty 'm and adult. It remains determined because it is a human need, which all have. Have quite strong.
And I begin to have self-understanding for me and even good-natured and friendly to me, as I am about a small child.
Rech's top finds the desire for biscuits embarrassed because he has learned that there is less frustration and rejection if I suppress my needs. He does continue, that's a good idea even though I now have very different ways and loving people around me, which I am happy to help.
And right at the top is suspicious and no one wants to ask for something that is something to be against him.
Sure, if I a thousand times a request was refused.
reminds me of C's dramatic image of the outstretched, ending arm, which she will eventually cut off. But just as it is.
Yesterday I was depressed and I realized that it is because their plan all summer and I have nothing planned for Niederkaufungen. Somehow I must have once decided that the rich must be in fun. Only five days training to be enough, soso.
And I realized that I so desire to relax and have fun and games and fun, goodness gracious.
So I decided to give me a little to organize a holiday and the festival visit or from others in the Rheingau. And then I lived on ...
The world is so enticing and exciting, I want to be part of it, especially a lot of music, nature and dancing.

When I think back, it hurts me as my family has always been unkind to one another and is.
I decided not to participate in the activity, but did not know how it is different. So I decided to make myself invisible, intangible and far away from everyone.
was able to hurt me so bad unkindness. And now come back and see that there are places full of love and caring that I carry with me in the ...
It is usually too much. I still carry around with me my glass panels, which separates me from everything.
But it gets better. I notice it in little moments when I long can people look into the eyes without me uncomfortable. Or because I am more relaxed in the presence of others.
Or the fact that Anja and I went over 2 years group are friends at last. We both wanted from the beginning, but thought the other it might not be right ...
I want to passionately work on my recovery, every day. And I'm grateful that it works and that I feel myself again. My life is a garden that was once devastated but rather now the sun is shining and I am there and take care of everything. Now I'm grown up and knows how I treat the plants they need water, sun and fertilizer, pruning and rest breaks. It is quite clear.
And I give them what they need. Then it is inevitable that they grow and prosper.

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sick in bed

Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it. I'm discouraged and I lack any confidence. For a few days at the top right is again so strong I remember correctly, he takes me under fire.
And promptly I'll get sick.
Yesterday morning it started and then increases in the total rigor mortis. I was only in bed lie not kept with me and twisted me into convulsions.
gastrointestinal finest.
was the night it further and now it's a step forward that I can stand a few minutes in the perpendicular without bending me.
Brigitte've had a mild version in the last days, I naturally infected.
I'm angry because I had so many plans for my long weekend, instead I rot in my room.
could howl with rage and disappointment. The worst thing is that I am so very alone and abandoned when I feel so helpless. If I needed someone I bought the biscuit (Jürgen has forgotten it, and is now on its way towards the Black Forest) and comforts me and is just there.
If I'm healthy, I can push away those feelings and needs, then there is not a thing.
Then I'm glad the contrary, to have my peace and to make what I want.

When I wonder if I'll make it, I mean, do it, turn to my twisted world right and make it free from so many restrictions that I create myself.
Whether I can get me some time to feel comfortable in my body sometimes and not afraid of intimacy have to. Or not to have to control everything. How are indeed different?
I know that I can feel connected to others and that only the detached protector is fired up when I feel lonely and separated.
What is it? The detached protector mode is the most subtle and I have spent years in it. But he is also healthier as a compensating or endurance. Great.
Even though I no longer so hot dissociate feel separated me is still very strong, somatization is also very strong. It helps

me sometimes, so to take stock. Then I see clearly the progress, or at least I will be causalities.
So that I get sick when law is strong at the top or if I'm not clear with the feelings with Hanna.
It has become blatant, every 2 weeks since I'm sick, so sick that I must stay in bed days.
And then I can avoid at least not so sprawling and throw me into the life and distract me from my miserable feelings. But the Erkennntnisse seep into peu à peu me and hurt.
This is probably necessary for change.
And my poor baby needs still very much care and love. I just have to learn, even to be good to me. I would like to
rumtelefonieren someone brings biscuits, even if right place at the top of the totally embarrassing. Yesterday

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the comforting language of the world

the staff meal I felt through and through: I am now in the third year in the nursery, this is a novelty, or I do not think it through as long somewhere.
And the bond that I feel to the other, even more strangely, to Brigitte, who wore a ruffled shirt and eight sided flowers to red lipstick is very strong.
She is a mother figure to become their unshakable, snotty strength and their never-ending interest in people, their customers. I share this interest in the clinic and I know exactly who is who.
Yesterday was access to the nearby with his hands and I was almost too much. Because I could stand for something not good, though I will indeed just that
So I am grateful for these changes toward greater closeness and stability, even if the often tedious and annoying.

I am very uncomfortable felt for some time. I look back and see very much that I deeply regret.
I'm writing hardly at Julia, and no longer by my beloved Roland, with Nina or Jenny. Louder People that I dismiss out of my life because I have guilt and shame, in which I run away, rather than apart, me to take heart and:
cherish the precious relationships in my life and maintain my efforts to Hen and as a viable network of stable fellow Rotarians.
Especially with Julia, I find it terribly difficult, right at the top says that they are very good on a stupid cow like me can do without, then he begins to devalue
etc. Then there is only one battlefield and I turn away and will have nothing to do with it.
And I just want some kind Julia's view hear laughter and see their behavior, which is never malicious, but always good natured.
And as I'm concerned they can keep an impromptu lecture me about football and work out their gambling debts, no matter.
And I want them to even get to know Laura, even if I should be ashamed in the land, after all, they know all the nasty details of how I made inglorious end and Julia had cheated ..
Surely it can not be that the shame me so bending it to be bigger than my friendship and that they controlled me. I need
Empathy for the needs that I have tried to meet me at the time.
autonomy, vitality, deep connection, contact with my sleeping life, sexual expression.
It's okay. And really bad seal and I do it but only when I tell Julia now a second time and am hiding from it.
back I would. Alone.

I am missing somewhere to be out and sleep on a summer night in a meadow.
Thomas Merton wrote:

"The night was very dark. The rain surrounded the whole cabin with its enormous virginal myth, a whole world of Mystery, full of rumors. Imagine this: All this talk down passes, sold nothing, no one judged soaked, the big pile of dead leaves, soaking the trees, filling the gullies and crannies of the wood with water , wash the areas where the men have cleared the hill.
what a state is completely alone to sit in the woods, at night, nourished by this wonderful, unintelligible, perfectly innocent talk, the comforting language in the world of entertainment that the rain oneself ... "

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tension and over compensating

Today is a wonderful series of free evening to watching and reading. I am also planning the summer tour. Herrlich.
In my dream last night I'm in the shape of a little boy and his little sister broke into a nearly inaccessible bunker. We had huge scary deep black canyons between high walls and crawling through narrow overcome vault.
in the heart of the bunker: a kind of looked martial arts studio that was renovated not quite finished, behind the wall lining out old tiles. The style was broadly in a painting by C.
many triangles in any case. The walls match
distanced my protector, I make sure that no one comes too near to me and that I feel my feelings are not as strong. Dizziness and abdominal pain are also included, ie somatization, like all prevention strategies, such as constantly be on the move, a lot of work to occupy myself with food and stuff.
in the heart of the whole, then the martial arts studio, which is then over-compensate, I subil operated so that my therapist noticed it only after 6 weeks and has completely rebuilt my scheme.
I do if I myself and others controlling, manipulative and do the opposite of what I want. If I wear and hysterical good on it , Though I am loud and annoying and cynical. It is a way to feel power and control, though I'm miles away from the feelings, small and alone.
C. It has always been the "stage I" called. And she has sometimes felt much faster than my therapist.
Well, that's right.
A glaring dream.
In art therapy, I once painted a picture of a robot, who was on one side and nothing but flowers blooming on the other, all withered.
If I can be compensated, I everything into its opposite.
I often have made me much pink, but then again people demonized katastrophisiert or circumstances.
It is this shrill undertone that makes me remember now if I over-compensating.
Other images in art therapy, expressive of that for me, were in horrible neon colors with red and black. Eye cancer risk, the therapist is escalopes shrunk properly.
Another symbol that appeared again and again: a great eye. I thought as a child, I observed a large eye in the sky all the time and it was important that I never forget and never let me go.
that I always keep control of myself.
There was no confidence me and no drops.
Now I know that yes, and may try to practice.
was why it is also a step forward that I slept through Saturday and until I woke up when I had already had to be in the nursery.
Brigitte on the phone: "voice of the hooves. I have first made an espresso.
progress.
It is this kind of relaxation that breathes as Julia from every pore. And I laboriously created from nothing.
from a sea of tension. For
tension comes when I rid my feelings by over compensating. Or endurance or avoid, are the three coping mechanisms.

Wedding Candles Wording

Mild

a long day. Larissa has bad ashamed. I wanted to speak first on Thursday and then I have to Vincent's lesson thought to be at the mercy and the protection that is to the other person does not like to run and to task. And
to CSF, which states that it depends on the connection. So I thought, I just let them and greet them kindly. And then they came and asked me whether they should bring water and then she told me I should let the casting time and stress I am not (!) And we have our little stories told and there was a connection there.
It was clear that she was mega embarrassing and if I had addressed it, they'd be right back "forced" to have been too hard to make.
But it was ok because I'm not bent, I was compensated for all the time and in good spirits and I just looked to see what happens. And the big difference was that I always used to feel uncomfortable and afraid of their Maßregelei've had in me now and rest, and good-doing my thing. And when they come to me stupid, I tell her this and then I'll just soft again and I'm nice to her because it is not my way, to punish people. Who punished punished himself

Just got back from Eberstadt where I was eating with Anna and her husband. I will miss them so. And Chris knows all the books I've read before, and we have a lot of conversation.
Vincent called me on the phone at times to say hello and we talked for 5 minutes and I think he did not understand the half. Very refreshing.
I am grateful that I'm in the flow and I'm grateful that I hold no longer as in Hanna and C, not even to Femke. All people who remove themselves from me.
writes But my mother alerted she was worried because I have so long to write. (A few days). It's good but it does not do as good as it had done that when I was small and the largest and most important thing in the world to me.
I would again meditate more.